A man walked into a restaurant, with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sat down, the waitress came over, and asked for their orders.

The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke."

Then, he turned to the ostrich, and asked, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please."

So, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again, and the man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke."

Then the ostrich said, "I'll have the same."

Once again, the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.

"The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, it's Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad," said the man.

"Same for me," said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62 please."

Once again, the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer...

"Excuse me, sir... "

"How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp."

"When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes... "

"My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything... "

"I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant," said the waitress...

"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right, whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.

The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused, and answered...

"My second wish was for a tall chick... "

"with long legs, who agrees with everything I say."

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

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