Two married buddies are out drinking one night...

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Joke #1

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team... At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside, and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively... "Do you understand that what matters, is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more... "So," the coach continued, "I’m sure you know that when a penalty is called... " "you shouldn’t argue, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head... " "Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded... He continued, "And when I call you off the ice, so that another boy gets a chance to play... " "it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb loser, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again... "Good," said the coach... "Now go over there and explain all of that to your father."

Joke #2

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don’t know what else to do... " "Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway... " "I shut off the engine and coast into the garage... " "I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom... " "I ease into bed, yet my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach... " "I screech into the driveway, slam the door... " "I storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet... " "I then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "Are you as horny as I am?"... " "And she always acts like she’s sound asleep!"

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”