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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it... and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first... "My dad is a farmer, and we have chickens." "One day, we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket, on the front seat of the truck, when we hit a big bump in the road." "The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke." "The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, it was Mary's turn... "We are farmers too." "We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did, we only got ten chicks." "The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched." "Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Little Johnny's turn to tell his story... "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen... " "Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit." "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. So little Johnny continued... "Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself... " "Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers." "She dropped seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets." "Then she nailed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke... " "And then she dispatched the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," stammered the horrified teacher... "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?" Little Johnny replied... "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking."

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”