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A man stumbles into the doctor’s office, looking pale and worn out... He sits down heavily, clutching his sides, and groans, "Doc, I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel like I got hit by a truck." The doctor takes a closer look... After a few minutes of prodding and listening, the doctor leans back and announces, "My friend, you’ve got the flu." "But don’t worry, I have just the thing for you... " "One shot of this medicine, and it'll knock those nasty germs right out of your system." Deep within the man’s aching, feverish body, three germs are huddled together, eavesdropping on this conversation... The first germ, wide-eyed and panicked, whispers, "Did you hear that, guys?... " "This quack’s got a shot that’ll wipe us all out! What the heck are we gonna do?!" The second germ, trying to keep it together, says, "Calm down, let’s not lose our heads yet... " "Maybe the old man’s bluffing. Let’s just wait and see what else he says." Meanwhile, back in the doctor’s office, the doctor clears his throat and says, "Before I give you this shot, though, I need to ask you something personal." The man, taken aback, squints suspiciously, and asks, "Personal? How personal doc?" The doctor waves him off with a chuckle, "I just need to know, how often do you have a bowel movement?" The man sits up a bit straighter, a hint of pride in his voice, "Oh, that’s no problem at all... " "I’m as regular as they come. Every morning, without fail, 8:20 sharp. It’s like clockwork!" The doctor nods approvingly... "Alright then. That’s good to know. Once I give you this shot, it's going to kill every last germ in your body." The germs inside, listening to this revelation, go into full panic mode... The first germ yells, "Okay, that’s it! I’m not sticking around for this! I’m going to hide behind his heart!" The second germ, shaking now, says, "If you're hiding, then so am I. I’ll take cover behind his liver." The third germ, who’s been silent until now, stands up and waves dismissively, "Well, you two can play hide-and-seek all you want... " "I’m catching the 8:20 out of here tomorrow morning!"

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”