Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know"... "Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." His boss was tired of hearing him boast and decides to call his bluff. "OK Dave, how about Elon Musk?" "Oh, Elon and me go way back, and I can prove it." So, Dave and his boss fly out to California and knock on Elon Musk’s door, and Elon shouts, "Dave! What’s happening?" "Great to see you, come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Musk’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Elon was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "Bill Gates," his boss quickly replies. "Yup," Dave says, "Bill and I are old buddies." "Let’s fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the Microsoft offices, Bill Gates spots Dave and motions him and his boss over... "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but come on in with your friend, let’s have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the Microsoft offices, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again asks him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure," says Dave, "I’ve known the Pope for years." So they fly off to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says... "This will never work, I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people." "Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony... but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "That was the final straw... " "you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said... " "Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”