Uploaded Image
A woman wants to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she has no mushrooms and no time to buy them... Her husband suggests, "Why don’t you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?" "No," the wife replies, "Some wild mushrooms are poisonous." "Well, I see squirrels eating them and they’re OK," her husband says. So, she picks a bunch then washes, slices and sautés them for dinner... She looks outside on her porch and sees "Spot", their pet dog, wagging his tail and licking his chops. So, she opens the screen door and gives him a handful of the mushrooms... Spot laps up every last bite. That evening, the meal is a great success... After everyone has finished eating, her daughter returns from her date and whispers in her ear, "Mom, Spot is dead!" Trying to keep her head about her, she leaves the room as quickly as possible, calls the doctor and tells him what has happened... The doctor says, "That’s really bad, but I think we can take care of it." "I’ll call for an ambulance and I’ll be there as quickly as I can... " "We’ll pump out everyone's stomachs and everything will be fine... " "Just keep them calm and I'll be right over." Before long they start to hear the sirens as the ambulance approaches their house... The doctor enters along with a group of paramedics carrying syringes, a stomach pump and other equipment. One by one, they take each person into the bathroom and pump out their stomachs... It's well after midnight, after the last person has been treated, when the doctor comes out and says, "I think everything will be okay now." The hosts and the guests are all weak and exhausted, sitting around the living room... Suddenly, the daughter comes in and says to her mother, "I can’t believe that guy!" "What guy?" asks her mother. Her daughter replies, "You know... " "That bastard who ran over Spot."

Post a Comment

Post a Comment

Previous Post Next Post

My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”