Johnny’s Logical Conclusion

Neighbors of the Miller family just brought home their new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born with a rare condition: no external ears.

Little Johnny’s dad had a serious, low-voice talk with him. He explained the situation and issued a dire warning: "If you so much as mention the word 'ears,' or even 'missing anything,' or even glance at the sides of that baby’s head, you will be grounded for a month. Understand?"

"Yes, Dad, I got it," Johnny said, nodding solemnly.

At the neighbor’s house, the tension in the living room was palpable. The mother carefully held the sleeping infant. Johnny’s father watched his son like a hawk, ready to pounce at the first sign of a slip-up.

Little Johnny walked slowly to the crib. His eyes were wide. He leaned in, peering into the blankets. His father held his breath.

"Wow," Johnny said softly. "What a beautiful baby."

The mother smiled, relieved. "Why, thank you, Johnny."

Johnny continued his careful inspection, speaking slowly. "He has beautiful little feet. And tiny little hands. And a very cute button nose. His eyes are really beautiful, too."

He paused, and the room went dead silent. He looked up at the mother. "Can he see all right?"

"Yes," the mother replied softly, tears pooling in her eyes. "The doctor said his vision is 10/10. We are so, so grateful."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, letting out a big sigh. "'Cause he'd be in serious trouble if he needed to wear glasses!"

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”