The Tithe Dilemma: How 3 Pastors Spend Your Sunday Offering

Three pastors of churches are sitting around having a lunch together when the topic of tithes and offerings is brought up...

They ask each other how do their different churches decide how much of the money collected goes to the poor and those and need, verses how much of the money is kept by the church for the church's upkeep, growth and the Pastor's own pocket.

The Catholic priest goes first... "To keep myself honest, we don't count any of the baskets... and instead we altenate... one basket for the poor, next basket for the church, third basket for me, then we go again... poor, church, me... somedays I do better than others..."

Next the Methodist pastor speaks up... "Well, what I do... and this might sound crazy... is I have a circle painted on the floor in my office. And each Sunday after service, I take all the collection plates and throw the money up in the air and whatever lands in the circle, we keep for the church and myself, and whatever lands outside the circle goes for those in need and the poor"

Lastly the Baptist preacher speaks... "Well... mine is kind of like our Methodist friend here... After the service... I take all the money... throw it up in the air... whatever God wants, he catches... anything that falls to the floor is for me"

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”