The Tailor Knew EVERYTHING

Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years.

Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:

"Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration.

You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure."

Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.

When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache.

As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life.

Maybe even a new wardrobe.

He passed a men's clothing store and thought, Why not?

He walked in and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor looked him over and said, "You're a size 44 long."

Fred laughed. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business sixty years," the tailor said.

Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.

"How about a shirt?" the tailor asked.

Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. "34 sleeve, 16½ neck."

"Amazing," Fred said. "Exactly right."

"Been in the business sixty years," the tailor replied.

After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already.

Then the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?"

"Sure," Fred said.

The tailor looked him over and said, "Size 36."

Fred laughed loudly. "Got you there! I've worn size 34 since I was eighteen."

The tailor shook his head and said:

"You can't wear size 34.

Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache."

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”