Knock at the door. Farmer goes to open it.

"Yes?"

"Hello, kind sir. I'm a weary mystic traveler and I will do any sort of work you want if you would just let me sleep in your barn for tonight."

"Sleep in my barn?  No one should sleep in a barn.  You're a weary mystic traveler and my wife and I invite you to spend the night in our home.  We will give you dinner and then put you--

"So, then I can do any sort of work and—"

"No,no, you don't have to work."

So the farmer and his wife provide a nice dinner for the traveler, after which he's shown a nice comfortable bed to spend the night. Wakes up next morning to a hearty breakfast.

"OK. What work can I do now?"

"No, you don't have to work.  The Lord means for us to extend friendship to weary travelers."

"Well, in that case, being a mystic and having the ability to converse with animals, I will go talk to your animals."

Farmer turns to his wife and stage whispers.

 "Look at this guy. Gonna talk to the animals."

"Listen, weary traveler.  You really don't have to do that. You don't owe us anything. Just go on your way."

"But I want to."

"All right"

About 20 minutes later the traveler comes back.

"I spoke to your horses. You changed the bit.  You used to have a nice oval bit, but you changed it for triangular bit that pulls their jaws w-i-d-e apart so the can't pull as much weight.  You think that--"

"YOU'RE RIGHT!"

Farmer turns to his wife.

"HE'S RIGHT! HE'S RIGHT! I CHANGED IT. I did change the bit.  It's a triangle bit.  HEY, I'LL CHANGE IT BACK TO THE OLD ONE!"

"Yes.  And the cows.  I was speaking to the cows and they said that the milking machines are set to 36 pulsations and it's painful.  It used to be set at 28 and—"

"HE'S RIGHT! HE'S RIGHT AGAIN!  "I'LL PUT IT RIGHT BACK TO 28!!  Will you look at this guy?"

"And the sheep.  I was speaking with the sheep and---"

"GODDAM LIARS! DON'T BELIEVE A WORD."

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”