Two Brothers Were Laying In Bed

Two brothers were laying in bed before lights out. The older brother says to the younger: "Tomorrow, I'm gonna cuss." The little brother began to beg to his brother: "I want to cuss too! C'mon, please. Please let me cuss too!" 

The older brother shushed him and then said: "Okay, okay. You can cuss, too." 

The little brother squealed in delight. The older brother said: "Alright, you say ASS, and I'm going to say SHIT." The little brother agreed, then rolled over and began practicing quietly to himself: "Ass, ass, ass..."

The next morning, the two brothers ran downstairs and hopped up to the table. Mom was cooking Dad's breakfast at the stove. She asked the older brother over her shoulder what he would like for breakfast. He replied: "Aww shit Ma, I'll just take a bowl of Cheerios." 

The Mom whipped around and slapped him for cussing hard enough for him to fall out of his chair. The Mother quickly turned to face the younger brother and asked in a stern voice: "And what will YOU be having for breakfast?" 

The little boy looked down at his brother, then back up at his Mom and said: "Don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not going to be a bowl of Cheerios."

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”