A cop pulls an 80-year-old woman over for speeding.

Officer: "Ma'am do you know why I stopped you?"

Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"Ma'am, you were speeding."
"Oh, I see."

"Can I see your license please?"
"I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"Don't have one?
"Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."

" I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."
"I can't do that."

"Why not?"
"This car is stolen."

"Stolen?
"Yes, I stole it, then I killed and hacked up the owner."

"JFC YOU DID WHAT??
"I just told you. If you don't believe me, his body parts are wrapped up in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 6 squad cars are on scene and 3 officers, led by their Sergeant approach the woman's car with guns drawn.

The Sergeant addresses the woman:

"Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!"

The woman steps out of her vehicle. Is there a problem sir?

Sergeant: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
" Murdered the owner?"

"Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

"Is this your car, ma'am?"

"Yes, here are the registration papers."

The Sergeant is perplexed.

"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The Sergeant examines the license. He looks bewildered.

"Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

"Sure, and I bet the lying sonofabitch told you I was speeding, too."

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

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