The Gorilla Exterminator's Shocking Backup Plan! 🦍🔫😂

A guy gets home from work, and notices a gorilla in a tree in his front yard

He rushes into his house and frantically searches Google. Sure enough, he finds a web page for a local gorilla exterminator. So he calls the number, and waits.

A few minutes later, a van pulls up. A man jumps out, and he pulls out a ladder, a net, some rope, a baseball bat and a shotgun. Then he opens the passenger door and a pit bull jumps out. He says "Hi. I'm the gorilla exterminator. I usually have an assistant but he is sick today. So if you want me to get the gorilla out of the tree, I am going to need your help."

The homeowners says: "what do I need to do?"

The gorilla exterminator says: "I am going to put this ladder up against the tree. And then I am going to go up the ladder with this baseball bat. I'm going to hit gorilla with the baseball bat and knock him out of the tree. This pit bull is specially trained. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the pit bull is going to rush towards him and grab him by the groin area. The gorilla will be so stunned that he won't be able to move for a few moments. When that happens, I need you to throw this net over the gorilla. Then I will come down out of the tree, tie the gorilla up with this rope, put him in the back of the van, and be on my way. Do you think you can do that?"

The homeowner says: "All I need to do is throw the net over the gorilla? Yes, I can do that."

The gorilla exterminator starts climbing up the ladder when the homeowner suddenly says: "Wait! What is the shotgun for?"

The gorilla exterminator comes back down the ladder and says: "Oh my God. I forgot the most important part. There is a small chance that instead of me knocking the gorilla out of the tree, the gorilla will knock me out of the tree. If that happens, shoot the pit bull!"

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”