Dolly Parton vs The Queen

So Dolly Parton dies, and due to some strange relativistic effect of her faster-than-light trip to heaven, finds herself arriving at the Pearly Gates at exactly the same time as Queen Elizabeth II.

St. Peter greets them both with enthusiasm, and goes on and on about the honor of receiving two such great people simultaneously, "…which makes what I have to tell you very difficult and…awkward."

"What's the matter?" asks Dolly. "Yes, please speak plainly, St. Peter." insists the Queen. "As the head of The Church of England, I believe I've earned the right to demand that you come to the point."

"Well." continues St. Peter, " I'm afraid Heaven is very full at the moment, and can only accept one of you.

"Oh dear!" exclaims Dolly.

"How shall we settle this matter?" asks the Queen, demonstrating her trademark pragmatism.

St. Peter explains quickly so as to expedite the process for his two impatient clients: "Each of you must present your most treasured asset. Whoever's is of the greatest value will be granted entry into Heaven. Dolly, we'll start with you."

Without hesitation, Dolly unzips her top. St. Peter watches in awe as her two perfect breasts tumble forth and land with a "thump-thump" sound on the marble table that stands before him. "Oh my, those are very lovely indeed! Well Your Majesty, I'm afraid it's going to be difficult to follow that, but please proceed."

Seemingly undiscouraged, the Queen thinks for a moment, open her handbag, reaches in, pulls out an old douchebag. Peter, stunned, praises the monarch, saying, "Congratulations Your Majesty! Well played! You have earned the last spot in Heaven!"

Dolly Parton is both angry and confused. "Wait a second, Peter! I show you these two, big, beautiful breasts, and she ain't got nothin' but a used feminine hygiene product. What gives?"

St. Peter chuckles at Dolly's naivety and answers, "Don't you know the rules? A Royal Flush beats a pair!"

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My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

There was a small church that had a very big-busted organist. Long Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.”

One day Jesus came across a mob surrounding a woman, armed with stones. He asks what’s happening, and they explain that she’s an adulteress and that the penalty for adultery is to be stoned to death. “Is that so?”, he replies. “In that case, whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone”. A woman at the back of the mob promptly throws a rock square at the head of the adulteress, killing her instantly. Jesus looks over at the woman who threw the stone and shakes his head sadly. “Mum, sometimes you really piss me off.”